i felt chatty so i impulsively started a blog

That is actually exactly how it went. I felt chatty. Very chatty. It's a Friday though, so not many people are available to chat extensively. So I will chat with myself and perhaps a nameless reader stumbling upon my first blogpost on the moonlight atelier. 

I always wanted (needed) to start a blog of some sort and share the many little complicated thoughts I have in my head about my life and the life around me, but I tend to use my friends' text messages or the captions under my Instagram posts as my main outlet for that. Their replies and interactions with my thoughts were often enough to satisfy that want (need). 

Enter, the moonlight atelier. Isn't the name pretty?

A girl (me) sits on a couch and reads a book. Her face is unseen from the camera.As much as friends say they love my rambles, I get way too self-involved. It would be great to take some more time to listen to their stories than recount every single one of mine every single day. It would be even better if I refrained from subjecting them to my bouts of epiphanies and re-traumatization and just spoke that out into space to whomever is willing to hear. I'm perfectly comfortable with voicing my pain, especially in writing. And not everyone is comfortable in receiving it. With a blog, I figure I can give you, nameless reader, the option to listen.

But why a blog specifically? Why can't you just write in a journal? 

I know, right? Why can't I keep up with a journal? Why do I still insist on posting the vulnerable details of my mind and life for the public? 

I think I just want to be heard. I think I just want to be seen. 

I think I just want the opportunity to share My Truth...

... which is an interesting term, by the way. In a Philosophy class I took at a community college, perhaps the only thing I always remembered was that there isn't such a thing as My truth or Yours, there is only The truth, the absolute truth. This is the thing that actually happened, separate from individual perspective and feeling. I think. 

However, I like the idea of My Truth. My perspective and feelings in these situations are still valid and real. They're real to me. These events caused real effects that have done real damage to me that lasts till this day. 

Note: I don't plan to write vulnerably to tear down the people I've burned my bridges with, as I have burned a good number of them. The bridges are gone. I don't intend on turning back to the individuals I think have wronged me, for forgiveness or revenge. I want to write these things because I'm desperately searching for resolve within myself. I would like healing. I would like to revisit the Me that I left behind due to crushing heartbreak, discouragement, verbal abuse, abandonment... 

girl with book (still me) reveals part of her face and shows off a peace sign.
I'm getting just a bit closer to Her every single day. With every therapy session, every class in a program called DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), every book I read that introduces whole new perspectives of the world, every conversation I get to have with my mom about my mental health that never would have occurred back when I was fifteen, I can see Her reflection a bit more clearly in the mirror. And She's happy. She's safe. She's surrounded by love and the people and things she loves. She's expressing love for them and to the world around her. I can spot hints of Her beauty, confidence, passion, and will to push on. 

— Lordy, I'm tearing up just thinking of it LOL don't mind me —

I'm entering a very unfamiliar phase in my life right now. I feel like I've changed a great deal in the past year alone. I like it. I've decided that I will stop getting stuck in my head about life and just do the things that I want to do. 

And I'll commit to it! Hold me to it, nameless reader! Hold me to it, reflection in the mirror! Hold me to it, impulsively-created BlogSpot account! Let me delve back into the world of writing again, whether in blog-form or through the song lyrics I used to pride myself in creating. Be my atelier, my workplace to create something artful and fulfilling. 

This can potentially go great. Yeah, I can do this. I can see if this will be the outlet that finally just sticks for me. Not sure, but I'll try. 



I'll end this pleasant Friday afternoon chat with a song recommendation! It's a song that inspired the name of this blog, and the lyrics relate a lot to the path I'm taking. 



Nice talk, let's do this again. 

- Ash

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