a review and reflection of "if you could see the sun" by ann liang

Genres: YA Fiction, Magical Realism 

Yeah, I love this book. 

If You Could See the Sun follows a girl that suddenly develops the ability to turn invisible. 

So naturally, she capitalizes on it.

At her elite private international boarding school, this girl, Alice Sun, decides to create an app with her mortal enemy Henry that allows her to anonymously take on requests for deeds to fulfill for her wealthy peers by utilizing her newfound ability.

I read this book as the Book of the Month for a Discord server that I joined recently, right on time for AAPI Heritage Month in May. And it's definitely inspired a lot of thought, discussion and reflection on my own Asian heritage and generally children of families societally at a disadvantage. 

Throughout, Alice is a girl acting in desperation. 

Her main motivation is to be able to ease the hardships of her family as they suffer financially, to fund her own tuition for school when her parents struggle to keep up. She recognizes the social ladder that makes it a hundred times easier to be able to find success -

...being born into wealth, having access to the best education and professional networks...

- that she does not possess, but those around her at her school possess.

A huge reason why I absolutely love this book is that I think I was probably the best audience for it. 

I was raised in a family that dedicates so much of their life to serving their family and giving them the utmost respect. When I start a new job, my first paycheck goes to my family. When my parents grow old, I am to dedicate the time and space and energy to physically care for them and be there for them. 

This value, filial piety, is known to come from Confucian philosophy, and in the Philippines - where my own family is from - it's commonly referred to as utang na loob (basically: I did this for you, so you will do this for me). Your family does so much for you in your upbringing, that it is your responsibility to pay it back to them.  

Alice doesn't only feel this obligation towards her own parents because of these ideals, but also because she's watched them struggle as immigrants in America that have suffered loss and continually suffer more. And this motivation drives her to get into even more twisted situations in order to earn for them. 

It's heartbreaking, especially because the pressure this places on children isn't fair, no matter how "fair" it may seem. It isn't fair for younger people like Alice to feel the need to take on the roles of caretakers for their parents. Though Many do things such as pursue higher education and the highest paying fields not out of passion, but to support their families and offer a return on what they have received their whole lives. 

We do this because we love.

So yes, I love this book. 

I love it because of how it made me feel, how it touched that part of my heart that feels the need to repay my parents for all they've done for me, and the sacrifices they've had to make to do these things. 

Because I've seen them struggle. I've seen them crumble. I've seen them hurt over that stupid thing called money. 

I've seen them lose their first house that they bought together, feel betrayed by the American dream, lost without their families who are thousands of miles away. 

I've pushed myself to the brink so that I can be able to someday do enough for them. I've torn myself apart, lost sleep, exhausted the limits of my body. I placed myself in situations that have damaged my psyche, all so that I could experience some semblance of achievement, so that I can be able to give my parents what they deserve. 

I love this book because it was a reminder that all this was not fair to myself. My parents don't actually want this for me, to live in so much pain and exhaustion in their honor. It was a reminder to take back my youth, and enjoy being young. 

To give myself time and love and care, and allow myself to be happy instead of poring over my work. To allow myself to take a break and find healing. 

I hope I'm not overhyping this book for you! It just brought out some very strong feelings in me. 

It's Young Adult fiction, and can definitely read as aggressively young adult in my eyes. But despite this, the message at its heart means so much to me.

Would it even be necessary for me to tell you I rate this book 5 stars? 

Recommendation time! I need to think of a name for this.

My recommendations might become a regular thing. In addition to If You Could See The Sun, I think a re-watch of Mulan is in order, the original animation of course. She just wants to honor her family!

Talk to you soon!

-Ash