i may have hard-launched that i have bpd on my instagram

Was that the right thing to do? 

I definitely felt a little embarrassed after doing so. 

But I’m glad I did so. 

No, not everyone needs to know that I’m struggling with a debilitating personality disorder. 

But this particular personality disorder - actually all personality disorders - receives a lot of flack and stereotyping. I don’t think I should hide because of this. I shouldn’t be embarrassed because of this. After all, I’m sick. 

And I’m working on healing. 

When I was first diagnosed, the psychologist told me not to look up Borderline Personality Disorder online. 

Of course I would. 

In my Google findings, I found r/bpdlovedones and the horror stories from friends and family of those with BPD. I saw myself in those stories, saw the way I’ve scared others with my behavior, saw my attachment and how dangerous it was. 

And I closed myself out from the world, like I was voluntarily caging myself in the abyss. Because I was in the abyss. I saw myself as the Hulk, not the hero, but the monster driven on pure rage and feeling. 

It was true, I was a monster driven on pure rage, intrusive thoughts, jealousy, assumption, uncontrolled and overwhelming feeling. 

I was tethered to friends, and out of desperation and fear of loss, I would act out, whether it was in the need to keep them in my life or drive them away because I didn’t trust myself. Inside my head was a fiery conflict of what I felt I did and didn’t deserve, giving only myself the control in decisions that required both sides. I ran away, I hurt myself, I contemplated death. 

Yeah, this was the abyss. 

What caused this? I always wonder. And when I consider my experiences that led me to this point in my life, there’s always that little voice in my head that hisses, 

“That’s nothing. That’s not like what others go through. You don’t belong in this treatment. You’re just faking for attention. Give your space up for the others that are more in need.” 

Maybe this is part of the illness. That self-doubt and feeling of being undeserving. Feeling like you’re just faking your pain for attention. 

I remember just how painful it was, how overwhelming. The thoughts would flood into my head, and I wouldn’t have the proper space to truly think, to truly rationalize and be able to cope. 

I remember how exhausted my friends would look when I would physically shut down at the slightest triggers. How frustrated they would be when I would voice the horrible thoughts in my head and seek reassurance that they weren’t true. I remember my fear that I would lose them, that they didn’t want me around anyway, that I was just excess baggage. I remember how much I would panic over these relationships with the people in my life. I remember how much I hated myself when I would do this again and again, and I couldn’t control it. 

I remember how quickly I would get frustrated at home and explode at the most minor inconvenience. Maybe I couldn’t find my work uniform, maybe we didn’t have food, maybe this, maybe that. I’ve blocked the door to my room with my dresser and broken items, thrown books, pushed over chairs and dumped trash bins. I’ve screamed at my parents and cursed out my sister and broken their hearts. That same exhaustion would show on my mother’s face.

When I would read the stories of the loved ones of those with Borderline Personality Disorder, I saw my mom’s face. I heard their words in my mom’s voice, in my friends’ voices. I imagined they were their thoughts. It only made me feel worse. 

What an ugly experience. How right were others to have been for leaving me behind. I would never listen, I was exhausting to be with. I embodied toxicity. 

But what a miracle it was that those who stayed, stayed. That my family was still able to love me, and grow alongside me as well. That my friends, in their exhaustion, took the time to understand me and actually work with me as I tried to figure out what my life had become. What a miracle. 

I think this is how I came to understand that this is what love is. 

I am hurt.

But I am still lovable. I can be helped. I don’t have to be a monster. I can heal. 

I can be Smart Hulk! I can have my (excuse my language) shit together. I can grow and evolve. I can fight the thoughts in my head and overcome them. I can rationalize and balance it with my feeling. 

I can find the middle ground. 

I can find the greys in the midst of the black and white in this world. I am not hopeless. I am not a lost cause. 

I can be beautiful, I can heal. 

That girl back then who would explode at the slightest spark, who knew she would be able to reach a point where she can finally breathe and find peace? Who knew she would be able to let go of the things that used to ache her brain ruminating over? Who knew she would become just a little bit more confident on her position with her friends and family? Who knew she would learn how to communicate her needs and create a circle comprised of those who are there to help and don’t mind helping? Who knew she could be so loved despite her faults, how endless they seem to be to her? 

from: "I want to Die but I want to Eat Tteokbeokki"
by Baek Sehee

With the combination of therapy, love, and teamwork, I am finding healing. I am walking a path where flowers are beginning to blossom. I walk it, not alone, but accompanied by loved ones holding my hands tightly. I am accepting of their love. I feel like I can finally rest my mind. 

I have my moments, still, from time to time, but I think I finally believe myself when I say I’m doing better everyday. 

It feels freeing. 

I think hard-launching that I have BPD on Instagram was probably the right thing to do for me. 

I'm not ugly at all. I'm not as bad as people like me are chalked up to be. I'm beautiful, I'm loved, I've been hurt but I'm finding healing. I'm getting there. I still believe I have more to do. 

Let me just flaunt my perseverance. 

instagram post in question

I'll end this post once again with a recommendation, this time for an album: D-Day by Agust D. I'm only linking the first track, but really, check out the album and its lyrics!

- Ash